[UsurpAuthority]

After a long night of making love,

the guy notices a photo of another man,

on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?"

he nervously asks.

"No, silly,"

she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?"

he continues.

"No, not at all,"

she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?"

he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!"
she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?"

he demands.

She whispers in his ear

"That's me before the surgery."

[Raina]

This one I've heard from my friend:

It is a well known statistic that out of 5 random people of the Globe one of them is chineese. My family consists of 5 family members: my mom Elisabeth , my father Sven, myself - Anna, my older brother Costel[average romanian name] and my younger brother Xiu Liu Ying. I don't know who might be chinese in my family, but I suspect Costel...

[Maraen]

Two hunters from Alabama are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He does not appear to be breathing. The other whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps out to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice, says, "Calm down. Just take it easy. First let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "Okay, now what?"

[Maraen]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came....

Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom feinted, and the man next door shot himself!"

[Maraen]

One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."

Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day the grandmother died. Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.

One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers. "God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."

This nearly gave the father a heart attack. He didn't say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic. He stayed all through lunch and dinner. Finally after midnight he went home. He was still alive! When he got home he appologised to his wife. "I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."

"You think you've had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU'VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled, "The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"

[Maraen]

Doctor Larsson was doing his normal morning rounds of the Psychology ward when he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand.

Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark!?"

[kcal9]

does anybody know jack handy...um amazing!!!!!

“The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.”

“I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.”

“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.”

“As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!”

i miss SNL with Jack Handy!!! so good!

the head of the religion dept at my high school would always say the same joke over and over again. But i never had her so i suppose she said other lame jokes but when ever i would talk to her or she would come into my religion class she would say

really lame joke that everyone knows...it makes me laugh since it reminds me of her

heres the joke...

two peanuts were walking down the street and one got assaulted


hhahaha so lame

[Raisekai]

at a mental hospital a doctor was observing s patient who was lying on his stomach and singing at the top of his lungs after a few songs the patient stops turns over to lay on his back then continues singing curious the doctor asks" why did you turn over?" the patient replies in a matter-of-fact way "it's already side B."

[Koiya]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the
appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to
enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it
plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...





P...

E.....

N....

I.....

S....

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

PASSWORD DENIED. NOT LONG ENOUGH...

[Raisekai]

heard this somewhere..

anyway.. a man was bragging to his friend about winning a 10Km run 2nd place.. the friend asks "wasn't it hard?" to that the man replies "of course it wasn't there were only two of us!"