[UsurpAuthority]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her....Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag ..

Oh, really? Shoot! says the little old lady. I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!

Well, now, not so fast, says the cop. How did you get all that money?

You didn't steal it, did you?

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. You see, my backyard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the
bushes, I say, $20 or off it comes.

Well , that seems only fair, laughs the cop. OK, good luck!

By the way, what's in the other bag?'

Well, says the little old lady, .... ' not everybody pays.

[UsurpAuthority]

California in the 1850s




Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, 158 years ago? 1. California became a state. 2. The state had no electricity. 3. The state had no money. 4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. 5. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically, it was just like California is today, except the women > had real boobs and the men didn't hold hands.

[UsurpAuthority]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Heck is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April,' he hollered into the bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'

She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's 'Miracle Grow'

[UsurpAuthority]

You Just Can't Fix Stupid!!

ONE .Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

TWO ...I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE ...A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to
what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'

FOUR ...I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. ' Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' 'Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.'

FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use copier machine paper,' the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

SIX ...My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: 'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?'

Life is tough. It's tougher if you're only using your head to hold your hair on.

[UsurpAuthority]

As I've Matured...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in...



I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.



I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.



I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.



I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.



I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.



I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.



I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.



I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.



I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.



I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.



I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.



I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.



I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.



I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.



I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it



I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.



I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

[UsurpAuthority]

The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called a spontaneous staffmeeting in the middle of a particularly stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the meeting was to have a quick contest.


The theme: Viagra advertising slogans.

The only rule was they had to use past ad slogans, originally written for other products that captured the essence of Viagra. Slight variations were acceptable.


About 7 minutes later, they turned in their suggestions and created a Top 10 List.


With all the laughter and camaraderie, the rest of the week went very well for everyone!


The top 10 were:


10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!



9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.


8. Viagra, like a rock!


7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.


6. Viagra, Be all that you can be.


5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone


4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.


3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!


2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!


And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs